Saturday, January 23, 2016


Around this particular period last year, in 2015 was my life-changer. Yes, with Allah's will and His guidance. For someone like me, i don't think i deserved such opportunity. It's nothing about pride, i was at that moment terrified. Terrified, in which i myself believe that they(the authority) made a huge mistake and that they should've appointed someone else, someone who worth all the chances.

I should've rejected and stay away but i didn't. It was my heart and my soul, longing for the fitrah needs. I could've took the other way, no one was stopping me but then I chose what my heart wanted at that time. You see, what meant for you will happen to you and for everything that happened there will always be hikmah. How you get through it might be the worst, but then hikmah will always beautifies everything in the end.

The what happened through out my 3 weeks stay were not all about how to stay awake during pengisian or how many frogs in the toilet. Instead, it wow-ed me to the max in a way that it left huge impact to my life. I see things differently now, wider. There was a sister who I knew way before the event. Frankly, all the process and all the path I took, she probably knew all about it so she wrote me a letter telling me that I should look for my values(logam). That I should not be afraid to know about myself. To understand me. That was exactly what i did through out the weeks. I found myself in akhawats, I found love(fikrah) that bonds us. I'm not saying that other people means nothing for me, no. I just found myself in them. Among them angels I was actually a rookie, someone who started with zero, probably minus.

It was in Medan where I tasted the sweetness of everything. Although everything was unexpected and I was near to my limits, I would love to go back. The ukhties, Sibolangit, feast and muds were the cherries on top my dessert(hyperbola gais) :)) Even the orphanage house was delightful, and the school which I could not recall what is the name of the school. I missed out stuff because I was distracted but now auch it hurts to miss all the memories this much. Not to forget our morning stroll with hanan and atun :)) awww gold times.

Sorry for not sacrificing enough, sorry for being the paling asing among you angels, I might not be good enough, but i'll keep trying so that I can follow you guys up to Jannah **

Thursday, November 26, 2015

what is it

I feel like laughing my lung out. Those entries i wrote, they are both hilarious yet it contains mixed feelings. Just like my journal. Might be more embarrassing in the future but hey its valuable. it's a memory that i want to keep along my upcoming journey.

So many things happened, so i decided to 'write' again. Who cares who's reading(me!). But seriously, looking back at my entries, my diary, my sketchbook, it reminds me of the old me. Which some part i would prefer for it to disappear and stop haunting me. Most, brings laughter(hahahahahah) and shy shy smile. You know when those moments strike, moments that make your heart fluttered yeah that one. I know it still feels the same, right :')

As what you can see, i'm not capable in writing long essays. Well i'm not in mood(excuse). Trust me, i'm no good. There should be tons of mistakes, i apologize. It might hurt your sight heeheh hence i will come back and correct it later. There's no harm in trying right? I did not improve in the past too but i promise this time insyaAllah(a must).

Okay, it has been months now since i finished 1st sem. Exciting i tell ya(lies). rn i'm currently undergoes depression well not really. It's just i feel like i'm already torn apart. I'm left with emptiness dying inside me. Used to think that it was dramatic for someone to feel this way under any circumstances. I always have this thought about how people should always act. It's not even possible. Humans are not robots. We have limitations that some people exceeded and now trapped. We don't have the same beginning and not the same ending as well. It ends differently but lets pray every person we know end up in His heaven.

I'm trying all the keys to unlock myself, my emotions, my thoughts. There must be something that is bothering me like so much. But till now i can't seem to find the solution. There's something new though. I pushed people away from me(not that, idk). I feel burdened that i can't do much for anyone. I'm afraid that i can't do much. I'm not leaving forever, it's just that i'm not myself right now. I'll be back, please wait.


(I miss you guys so much it hurts)

(The best dessert eva i must say)

 (never never take people around you for granted, lucky we can still get along :'))

(Ayuh anak-anak, be healthy alright)

(how warm u people i'm sorry jadi penyibuk :'))

(finally a surprise party after all my fail plans)

(main) ++

(how to describe my lahv)

I'm freaking 18 already but still cant give much effort for anything or anyone i feel useless. I cant run to my friend whenever she's in trouble. I cant fly over to Sarawak. I cant drive all the way to Cyber(i cant drive at all), I always ruined plans like literally i'm the black goat. But i'm glad, totally. My babies(ew) are still the same hahaahha i love you. It's good enough i think for today. Efforts is beautiful. I'll try better another time. xoxo

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

The pain

Now I can finally say it, I feel left out.
Looking at how those who i spent most of my times with
Seems like they dont need me anymore in their life
It seems like its better to not be bothered by me
It seems that they feel relieved that they can finally escape from my grip
Then what are the values of those in the past?
I now feel paranoid, trauma.
I now believe that
No one around me will ever last
They leave when its all done
When they get tired, the sparks die
And all the oath and promises are all lies
because neither any shows any effort.
So tell me what is friendship?
Is it just some kind of experiment
To see which level of human-being you belong to?

If so, proceed with your life
Be my guest,
Leave me alone
And dont return to me
Only to fix your scars
Because i dont think it could be fix anymore

*gambar takde kaitan*
Maybe after all, all this while I'm just some side actor in your drama

Monday, September 14, 2015

Smile, wont you?

Life was not meant to be perfect, it is covered with flaws. And without the flaws it would just be empty. Somehow, i tried to understand myself. Looking for something worth about me because i do think i dont matter to some (even after the lecturer lectures about this haha).

A very good friend of mine send me the answers,
she said it is a beautiful sayings from yasmin,
"There's something amazing about this life. The very same wordly attribute that causes us pain is also what gives us relief. Nothing here lasts. What does that mean? It means that the breathtakingly beautiful rose in my vase will wither tomorrow. It means that my youth will neglect me. But it also means that the sadness I feel today will change tomorrow. My pain will die. My laughter wont last forever --- but neither will my tears. We say this life isn't perfect, and it isn't. It isn't perfectly good. But, it also isn't perfectly bad, either."

And that is wowww kebabooommm
See, as we grow up, the laughters stay as laughters and just literally dies
there shall be something more meaningful in life that will stay forever.
and lets see how much i matters :) 

Cherish our purposes in life anyway, which will benefits us also in the hereafter 

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Late night

Have you ever found yourself so messed up? Things went great in the morning, end up feeling all upset in the night. When I tried to look for what I've left behind, stuff that I forgot to do, I cant seem to find anything that went wrong. When the frustration strikes or even before it happened I gave my best to complete my obligations perfectly, but in the end it does not seem to work on me. Is it because I've been looking after the rewards? For any return? All I asked for was only for the solace of mind, heart and action.

Did you tell Him? Have you give enough? Even so, why is it there are still 
empty spaces in your soul? 

I cant deny, this new chapter of life do give impacts to my life. It does makes my emotions to ride on roller coaster, arguing on how should I control myself from doing things that might effect someone else in a bad away. On what words should come out of my mouth. Is it okay to say this and that. I'm not trying to be someone else(or lets say, hypocrite). Its just, I'll hate myself for doing that. Even now. All the regrets, Theres nothing good to swallow the regrets and theres nothing great about telling it to others too. 

You see, I was comfortable(really, much) to be having a company who would always bear and understand the things that is happening in my mind. I'm missing those who I can talk to even when the light is off and the only thing that kept me talking was the reflection in their eyes. Whenever I think that I dont feel belonged to anyone, they accept me anyway. Me, lame, bajet bagus, so lame and lame, like you need to be with me for a looooooooonnnnggggg time to finally undertand how things going to work between us. Things are not really working out for me. I'll just hold on to it, right?

Thursday, June 25, 2015


I feel like sharing pictures of what i was doing all this while
For myself of course.

Just a team driving lamborghini thats all hahaha

A little bit of reunion with these fam bams a.k.a assobiyah-ing.
For your concern that was not the part of our plan
We dont really wanted to be just with us 'bangi-ians'
But some assumed that so......

(Where am i?)

 (Where am i part 2)

This is what i called as
Can you imagine spending some really quality times with all your
really loved ones at the beach?
You can feel the breeze touching your face and body while
feel the love in your surroundings?
It feels just right.

Well that mokcik over there is nadhus 
Thats probably her cutest face :')
thank you Allah for this creature 

So many people that I strongly love in our picture urgh
and it hurts right now the fact that i cant see your faces 
virtually that i can directly communicate with
This people are actually,
the strong reason whyyy i was able to
understand myself and to stay in this way
and probably better.
Currently i'm at uitm shah alam
doing foundation for law
i have all the reasons why did i choose law
so dont worry alright
i will survive this alive, insyaAllah.
Here, i also have wonderful people thats 
so close to my heart 
The most important thing is that i have Allah
in everything that i do and everywhere i go
and thats enough for me.

Saturday, June 28, 2014


"I might be crazy because I love my bestfriend more than a guy."
To the girl that I
share my ice with
share my foods with
share my earphones with
share my favourite songs
share my favourite people haha
share my problems
share my imaginations
share my clothes
share my crazy thoughts
share my drawing books with
share my passion
sharing your home
sharing your room
sharing late night conversations
share my life with
I only knew you about 4 years I guess
 But I know you will do anything
Like iftar last year
Honestly I cant believe you actually did that
That is the most beautiful moment babe
I  remember you brought ice on pmr
I  remember your kek batik
I remember your ipod yang ana selalu lupa nak tutup
I remember the first time you own your camera
The day we fought
I remember redbull
Sorry for my wrongdoings beb
Believe me
You're perfect to me
( Little things playing* )

 I'm not good with words.