A confession

It's really nothing much, but it must feel really good to be appreciated. Every single person would want this, guaranteed. I loveeeee seing how most people are being appreciated-small, big, huge, around me and I would often say "good for you". It really is, good for you, Alhamdulillah you're granted with such things, such friends, such supports. Often, I fail to see mine. And that's probably my biggest mistake. (Mistake: seeing appreciation only in the perspective of expression, which is not. It's way wider)

And I keep doing the same mistakes even after years, it really is hard to get rid of old habits and it keeps on affecting me. I keep on failing to see that appreciation doesn't have to come with such big words- "I am really proud of you" or "I'm the luckiest to find you". For some people, it could be their way of appreciating and we need to acknowledge that some just don't. If appreciating someone only comes in the form of gifts or goodnight wishes, I guess we're seeing such beautiful thing in a very narrow perspective.

I really want to believe that each and every one of us is appreciated in our own way, and it's pretty much is mutual. If you don't appreciate others or you don't show it, you really shouldn't expect the others to do such treatment towards you. It just doesn't add up. Have heard of 'what you give you get back'? It's my life motto don't tell other people(they'll steal them from me huhu) I'm seeing the significance of such word around me and I'm hoping for the same thing insyaAllah. And if you're wondering what are the appreciations that you could possibly receive, consider this; those people around you, they might not show it, but look into the small things, look at the body languages, look at the events, unknowingly you could be the only person that couldn't see your worth :)

But the most important aspect would be-----appreciate oneself first. Yes! You can never be appreciated nor appreciate anyone else without first appreciate yourself. In which I've also had such hard times to finally find peace and ease with myself. That was A Ride. It'll never be easy peasy, go hard, all out. You'll understand yourself better. You'll even appreciate yourself for being strong for the minimum things, you'll appreciate yourself for crying, for smiling, for waking up, for everything. 

A piece of mind though: If you really can't seem to see any reasons to appreciate someone, just don't hurt them. You could as well be the problem, not them.

Basah

Around this particular period last year, in 2015 was my life-changer. Yes, with Allah's will and His guidance. For someone like me, i don't think i deserved such opportunity. It's nothing about pride, i was at that moment terrified. Terrified, in which i myself believe that they(the authority) made a huge mistake and that they should've appointed someone else, someone who worth all the chances.

I should've rejected and stay away but i didn't. It was my heart and my soul, longing for the fitrah needs. I could've took the other way, no one was stopping me but then I chose what my heart wanted at that time. You see, what meant for you will happen to you and for everything that happened there will always be hikmah. How you get through it might be the worst, but then hikmah will always beautifies everything in the end.

The what happened through out my 3 weeks stay were not all about how to stay awake during pengisian or how many frogs in the toilet. Instead, it wow-ed me to the max in a way that it left huge impact to my life. I see things differently now, wider. There was a sister who I knew way before the event. Frankly, all the process and all the path I took, she probably knew all about it so she wrote me a letter telling me that I should look for my values(logam). That I should not be afraid to know about myself. To understand me. That was exactly what i did through out the weeks. I found myself in akhawats, I found love(fikrah) that bonds us. I'm not saying that other people means nothing for me, no. I just found myself in them. Among them angels I was actually a rookie, someone who started with zero, probably minus.

It was in Medan where I tasted the sweetness of everything. Although everything was unexpected and I was near to my limits, I would love to go back. The ukhties, Sibolangit, feast and muds were the cherries on top my dessert(hyperbola gais) :)) Even the orphanage house was delightful, and the school which I could not recall what is the name of the school. I missed out stuff because I was distracted but now auch it hurts to miss all the memories this much. Not to forget our morning stroll with hanan and atun :)) awww gold times.

Sorry for not sacrificing enough, sorry for being the paling asing among you angels, I might not be good enough, but i'll keep trying so that I can follow you guys up to Jannah **

what is it

I feel like laughing my lung out. Those entries i wrote, they are both hilarious yet it contains mixed feelings. Just like my journal. Might be more embarrassing in the future but hey its valuable. it's a memory that i want to keep along my upcoming journey.

So many things happened, so i decided to 'write' again. Who cares who's reading(me!). But seriously, looking back at my entries, my diary, my sketchbook, it reminds me of the old me. Which some part i would prefer for it to disappear and stop haunting me. Most, brings laughter(hahahahahah) and shy shy smile. You know when those moments strike, moments that make your heart fluttered yeah that one. I know it still feels the same, right :')

As what you can see, i'm not capable in writing long essays. Well i'm not in mood(excuse). Trust me, i'm no good. There should be tons of mistakes, i apologize. It might hurt your sight heeheh hence i will come back and correct it later. There's no harm in trying right? I did not improve in the past too but i promise this time insyaAllah(a must).

Okay, it has been months now since i finished 1st sem. Exciting i tell ya(lies). rn i'm currently undergoes depression well not really. It's just i feel like i'm already torn apart. I'm left with emptiness dying inside me. Used to think that it was dramatic for someone to feel this way under any circumstances. I always have this thought about how people should always act. It's not even possible. Humans are not robots. We have limitations that some people exceeded and now trapped. We don't have the same beginning and not the same ending as well. It ends differently but lets pray every person we know end up in His heaven.

I'm trying all the keys to unlock myself, my emotions, my thoughts. There must be something that is bothering me like so much. But till now i can't seem to find the solution. There's something new though. I pushed people away from me(not that, idk). I feel burdened that i can't do much for anyone. I'm afraid that i can't do much. I'm not leaving forever, it's just that i'm not myself right now. I'll be back, please wait.

(babes)

(I miss you guys so much it hurts)

(The best dessert eva i must say)

 (never never take people around you for granted, lucky we can still get along :'))

(Ayuh anak-anak, be healthy alright)

(how warm u people i'm sorry jadi penyibuk :'))

(finally a surprise party after all my fail plans)

(main) ++

(how to describe my lahv)

I'm freaking 18 already but still cant give much effort for anything or anyone i feel useless. I cant run to my friend whenever she's in trouble. I cant fly over to Sarawak. I cant drive all the way to Cyber(i cant drive at all), I always ruined plans like literally i'm the black goat. But i'm glad, totally. My babies(ew) are still the same hahaahha i love you. It's good enough i think for today. Efforts is beautiful. I'll try better another time. xoxo

The pain

Now I can finally say it, I feel left out.

Looking at how those who i spent most of my times with

Seems like they dont need me anymore in their life

It seems like its better to not be bothered by me

It seems that they feel relieved that they can finally escape from my grip

Then what are the values of those in the past?

I now feel paranoid, trauma.

I now believe that

No one around me will ever last

They leave when its all done

When they get tired, the sparks die

And all the oath and promises are all lies

because neither any shows any effort.

So tell me what is friendship?

Is it just some kind of experiment

To see which level of human-being you belong to?

If so, proceed with your life

Be my guest,

Leave me alone

And dont return to me

Only to fix your scars

Because i dont think it could be fix anymore

*gambar takde kaitan*

Maybe after all, all this while I'm just some side actor in your drama

Smile, wont you?

Life was not meant to be perfect, it is covered with flaws. And without the flaws it would just be empty. Somehow, i tried to understand myself. Looking for something worth about me because i do think i dont matter to some (even after the lecturer lectures about this haha).

A very good friend of mine send me the answers,

she said it is a beautiful sayings from yasmin,

"There's something amazing about this life. The very same wordly attribute that causes us pain is also what gives us relief. Nothing here lasts. What does that mean? It means that the breathtakingly beautiful rose in my vase will wither tomorrow. It means that my youth will neglect me. But it also means that the sadness I feel today will change tomorrow. My pain will die. My laughter wont last forever --- but neither will my tears. We say this life isn't perfect, and it isn't. It isn't perfectly good. But, it also isn't perfectly bad, either."

And that is wowww kebabooommm

See, as we grow up, the laughters stay as laughters and just literally dies

there shall be something more meaningful in life that will stay forever.

and lets see how much i matters :) 

Cherish our purposes in life anyway, which will benefits us also in the hereafter 

Late night

Have you ever found yourself so messed up? Things went great in the morning, end up feeling all upset in the night. When I tried to look for what I've left behind, stuff that I forgot to do, I cant seem to find anything that went wrong. When the frustration strikes or even before it happened I gave my best to complete my obligations perfectly, but in the end it does not seem to work on me. Is it because I've been looking after the rewards? For any return? All I asked for was only for the solace of mind, heart and action.

Did you tell Him? Have you give enough? Even so, why is it there are still 

empty spaces in your soul? 

I cant deny, this new chapter of life do give impacts to my life. It does makes my emotions to ride on roller coaster, arguing on how should I control myself from doing things that might effect someone else in a bad away. On what words should come out of my mouth. Is it okay to say this and that. I'm not trying to be someone else(or lets say, hypocrite). Its just, I'll hate myself for doing that. Even now. All the regrets, Theres nothing good to swallow the regrets and theres nothing great about telling it to others too. 

You see, I was comfortable(really, much) to be having a company who would always bear and understand the things that is happening in my mind. I'm missing those who I can talk to even when the light is off and the only thing that kept me talking was the reflection in their eyes. Whenever I think that I dont feel belonged to anyone, they accept me anyway. Me, lame, bajet bagus, so lame and lame, like you need to be with me for a looooooooonnnnggggg time to finally undertand how things going to work between us. Things are not really working out for me. I'll just hold on to it, right?